Dwrekrobertson30's Blog

death, unexpected make-out sessions, and a broken heart

dwrekrobertson30 — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:33:28 +0000

It’s been a very strange and honestly shitty week for me. Some strange, some sad, and a lot bad. Where do I begin….

First, my grandma died yesterday. It has been a long time coming. She was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago, and her health had steadily declined over the last few years. It was her time though, and she’s in a better place now. She had said repeatedly over the last couple years that she just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. As sad as that was to hear, you could understand why. She didn’t exercise or read or do anything really, and she couldn’t go anywhere by herself. She was just kind of there. But she finally passed yesterday. I called my grandpa when I got the news and told him I was sorry for his loss and that I was here for him. That’s the first time I’ve really talked with him like that. It was the right thing to do though. I know this must be hard on my mom, but she’s been very stable and strong around me. I think since this has been expected to happen for a while that it gave everyone some time to accept it, but I know it still must be hard for my mom, grandpa, and my uncle.

So, apparently my gay friend Wes made out with who I thought was my straight friend Rob a couple weeks ago…. Wes told me today while we were driving to Austin. Wes and Rob have been best friends for a while now, but Wes just recently came out that he was gay last September. They were drunk apparently, but still…I didn’t picture Rob as gay. I mean I guess technically he’s bi now? Idk. He has a girlfriend of over like 2 years, which is what made things strange to me. I guess a few days later he was asking Wes whether or not he liked it. And when I asked him if Rob was like for sure bi, Wes said pretty confidently that he was. This all definitely sends out signals that Rob could be gay. Right now I think I’m the only one besides them who knows they made out. It feels good to know that Wes trusted me. I don’t plan on sharing his secret. But damn, I wanna discuss this shit with someone!! It would blow people’s minds lol. Does this sort of shit happen to everyone? Idk, shit’s just changing I guess. Just gonna have to wait and see what happens I guess.

The thing, well person really, that is tearing me up inside right now is Aubree. I care so deeply about her. I think I might love her. But she did a shitty thing to me, and it’s breaking my heart. Over the last nine months or so I thought I really got to know her, and she was amazing. Once I got past that initial wall she put up we got along so great. I always wanted to talk to her, always looked forward to the next time I knew I’d get to see her. I would purposely take certain paths to class just so that I could pass her and say hi in the halls. I thought we might be best friends. We said we were, but I don’t think it was ever really real. Aubree gets into things that are really destructive to her. She’s done coke, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she still does. And now she’s gotten into tabs. It started out, as they all do of course, as a one-time thing, but she never fucking stopped. She’ll take two or three tabs a night like it’s no big deal. And she’ll do it for days at a time. It kills me. It makes me sick to think of her like that. And when I told her it was dangerous and she needed to stop she pretty much just told me she doesn’t care and not to worry about her. What the fuck is that? How do you have so little care for my feelings, and have so little respect for yourself? And now she apparently took tabs over the last three nights. I talked to her those nights, and not once did she mention she took tabs. Even when I asked what she did that day she didn’t say anything. I had to find out last night through my friend Wes. When he told me, I was hit by this wave of awful depression. Because it was then that I realized that she never really gave a shit about me. I told her more than a month ago that I had feelings for her that went beyond friends, and I cared about her so much. It was so hard for me to be that vulnerable, and she gave me the worst fucking answer. Thank you is what she said. Are you fucking serious? I open up to you and put myself out there, and all you say is thanks for telling me…. I should’ve known right there that all she cared about was herself. I ended up avoiding her for a little because I just couldn’t be around her without her telling me what she really felt. She told me all this bullshit about how she felt empty without me around, and that she shouldn’t be punished for not being able to give me what I wanted right now. She said I was being selfish. She said that she did have feelings for me and she really cared about me, and that she wanted me to be her friend, and in time we’ll see. And like an idiot, I said okay. And now to find out that she took all those tabs, and wasn’t even going to mention it to me. That shattered me. It’s all I can think about. Because she was going to be completely fine just keeping it from me. It didn’t matter that by taking those she knew I’d be upset. The tabs were more important than our “friendship”. And then she texted Wes mad because he told me she’d been taking them the last three nights. What the fuck gives her the right to be mad? Because Wes told me she took them? No, if she really cared about me she wouldn’t have taken them. Or at the bare minimum she’d tell me. But no. As long as she can hide shit from me she’s completely fine leaving her “best friend” ignorant. As long as she has what she wants, it’s fuck everyone else. Friends, not just best friends, but just friends in general, are honest with each other. They don’t hide shit from each other. Aubree doesn’t care about me. She may like having me around, but she doesn’t give a shit about me. She can lie and hide things from me and hurt me without even a hint of regret. How can I be friends with someone I don’t even know? How can I If she purposely doesn’t want me to know who she really is? Why would you even want to keep someone around who you apparently can’t be yourself with? If the tabs are more important than you and I, at least tell me so I can know who you really are. I feel like our friendship isn’t even real. She is not my friend. Friends care. She doesn’t. Not about me. I was ready to give everything I had to her. I wanted to be there for her to love her and take care of her and make sure she gets everything she wants out of life. I thought I found someone so very special who was going to be an important part of my life for a long time. But she doesn’t give a shit about me. I need to get away from her, because thinking about her is so painful right now.

I really like this girl, but it’s complicated

dwrekrobertson30 — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 06:33:13 +0000

So it’s been a while since i’ve posted my first blog, but I just feel like doing this might help me release some of the stress/depression I’m having right now. The problem I’m having right now centers around a girl I like. I’ll start from the beginning. Her name is Aubree, and I’ve known who she is for a while, but this year we actually started hanging out and being friends. She has been involved in my school’s theatre program and has been friends with one of my friends since the start of high school. Also it is important to note that she had a boyfriend who had already graduated high school when we started hanging out who she had been dating for two years. Over the summer me, her, and our mutual friend Wes started hanging out, and when school started Wes and I started getting involved in the theatre program with her. As we started hanging out more, Aubree and I started texting and talking more and just becoming closer friends. I told her things about me that few/none of my other friends know about, and she has told me a lot about her past and her problems. So when homecoming talks started coming up I chose to go with her and the rest of the theatre kids in what was supposed to be just one big group of friends. Eventually though, people in our group started pairing off, so I felt like I should ask someone. Even though I didn’t really have as strong of feelings for her as I do now, she was still the first person that came to mind when thinking of people to ask. I remembered though that she had a boyfriend, so I figured they would go together. After I remembered that I decided to ask my friend Rachel, who is also like best friends with Aubree, who I should ask. She said Aubree. When I asked about her and her boyfriend she said her boyfriend wasn’t going with her and that I should just ask her as a friend. So I did, and she said yes, and after she said yes, my feelings towards her started growing, but I was careful because I knew she still had a boyfriend. One day though, about two weeks before the dance, her boyfriend broke up with her. She was really sad for that week, and it made me feel awful to see her so sad. But she slowly seemed like she was getting better, and the last couple days before the dance it seemed like she was really getting over him. During the dance we were really close holding each other and kinda I guess you might say snuggling up to each other in the limo. It just seemed like we were getting really close, and that night was awesome for mel. I could still tell that she was hurting from the break-up though, so I didn’t push things any further. After the dance we seemed to be getting on a more personal level sharing stories and experiences we hadn’t shared or told anyone. I felt then and still feel now that I really liked her, and wanted to be a part of her life. I just felt like we were going towards a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. I want to be someone who she can count on and trust no matter what. I was and am feeling all these things towards her, so I told a few friends that I liked her. They ended up telling her that without me knowing, and last night Wes told me that she felt really bad because she is still kind of talking to and getting over her ex boyfriend, and that she doesn’t really want a relationship. It’s making me feel like absolute shit for multiple reasons. First, because I knew that she had dated her ex for a long time, and I know she is still hurting over it. I knew this, but I kind of blinded myself from it because of how I felt/feel for her. Second because her ex showed up at the play she acted in these last few days, and after the play her and him went off and were talking together. It killed me watching her with him because I could see in her eyes that she still had feelings for him. I seriously just wanted to go off into a corner and just scream as loud as I could. I feel like I could be so much better than him, so it hurts me so bad to see her so sad over him. And now when I am around her she hardly acknowledges me. She will seriously walk up to me and a group of people I’m with and not even look at me. I think that I made her feel bad because she thinks she did things to make me get the impression that she liked me and wanted a relationship with me. I don’t know though if it’s that she just doesn’t want a relationship with me like a boyfriend ever, or if she’s still getting over her boyfriend and doesn’t want a relationship like that now. I wish I knew which one. I wish I wish I wish. Right now it seems that she is still trying to get over her ex, but she still has feelings for him and is just really upset about it. So I guess what I want is to just be there for her and be a friend that she can talk to and trust, and maybe in the future if/when she gets over her boyfriend and is ready for another relationship that I can get a chance for that. Right now I just want her to acknowledge me and talk to me at least as a friend. But honestly I just want her to get better and be happy because it fucking kills me to see her upset. So right now I don’t really have anyone to talk to, and it’s making me really sad and depressed, which is totally not like me. She seemed a little more friendlier toward me today though at least. But only a little. I want her to talk to me and at least go back to what we had because I feel like we were heading towards a really close friendship, which is something I have been lacking in my life. I just want that at least for now. I really really want that. Bad. Hopefully it’ll all work out.

Inaugural Post

dwrekrobertson30 — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:30:31 +0000

Hi. My name is Derek Robertson (picture, albeit not a great one, on the right), and this would be my very first attempt at a blocpost. I guess I can start by telling you about myself. I am a 17 year old Junior living in suburban Texas. I played lacrosse this year, and my team had a perfect season! 0-14. I guess next year we’ll try for a perfect season again, but this time we’ll try to get the 0 and 14 to change places. The things I like most are: hanging out with my friends, listening to music, all (and I do mean all) kinds of movies, laughing, playing sports (normally just pick-up games. Not so much school sports), and just doing anything fun. I DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS as long as it’s fun, and preferably with friends. I like going to the mall or the movies, out to eat, playing sports, or anything as long as I have some good friends with me. I know it’s corny, but I’m gonna say it anyways. Life IS NOTHING without friends. I hate those weekends where i find myself with no plans or people to chill with, so I just end up sitting on the couch and play xbox live ’til 2am. That sucks.

I honestly do believe I get along with almost anyone. I don’t judge people very much, and I can easily relate with almost anyone. I love making people laugh, even if it’s at my own expense. I know I’m not even close to perfect and I don’t mind laughing at myself sometimes. I can talk about anything from Pokemon to the NBA. I have some friends that are on the honor roll, and I have others who are pot smokers that can barely pass Junior English. I prefer my friends in the middle of those 2 groups though because some of my “not so smart” friends can be a little to crazy, but I still have fun with all of them. If you can make me laugh or I can make you laugh then we’ll probably get along great. If you can make fun of yourself that’s even better. The only people that really piss me off are people that are outwardly and overly cocky. If you act like that around me don’t expect me to talk to you. I can’t stand when guys (or girls) openly bash others around them and point out all the different, supposedly weird things about them that make them unique. Just because you don’t have anything special going and you’re uncomfortable about yourself DON’T bring others down with you! It’s so sad to see people who only get joy out of making fun of others, and it really pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I don’t ever judge others because I do, but I try to keep it to a minimum and keep them to myself.

As far as girls go I’ll just say it. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Pathetic I know. It’s not that I have trouble talking to girls, because I don’t. Most of the people I talk to at school are girls. I think I just have this idea cemented in my brain that all the girls I like are way out of my reach, and there’s no way they can feel the same way about me. Plus I know I’m not the most attractive person, so that doesn’t help either. Hopefully I’ll grow out of this stage soon and just get the courage to ask a girl out.

Moving on, I was born and raised in Alaska until I was 11 years old. When we moved here I was really depressed for about 6 months. I had no friends, and was put in an elementary school where all my classmates had already known each other for 6+ years. That spring semester was probably the longest 5 months of my life. Right before summer I started getting some good friends though, and things started getting better. The best thing though, was that the next year I moved up to junior high. There we integrated about 3 0r 4 elementary schools, so everyone was meeting new people, and i was no longer the new guy from Alaska. Now i go back up there every summer to work on a commercial fishing boat. That’s nice for 3 reasons. 1: I get to visit my old friends, 2: I get to escape this unbelievable Texas heat, and 3: I get paid big time. Other than commercial fishing I worked at Best Buy over this previous school year. It was a lot of fun, and I worked with some hilarious characters. I was what they so professionally called a “media specialist.” That pretty much meant I worked in DVDs, Cd’s, games, and MP3s. It was awesome though because I love electronics. Sadly, I just turned in my 2 weeks notice yesterday because they won’t be able to hold my position for me while I’m gone over the summer. Good news is that a new store is opening near by in November, so I’ll probably get rehired there if I want to.

I think that’s enough for my About Me entry. In my future entries I’ll probably write mainly about some of my crazy/embarrassing/funny/whatever is worth telling stories, and then whatever else , but it’s pretty open ended for now. I love feedback, so let me know what’s on your mind. I honestly don’t care what it is. For anyone who took the time to read all of this thank you very much!